Open and Honest

So in the past, I’ve struggled with speaking death over myself in various ways but just not being kind to myself with words. It started with what people told me at a young age in school, saying, “you’re dumb” or “you’re ugly” and stuff like that, and so I started to believe it and then started to do that to myself, and it became a bad habit where if I was saying something about myself 90% it was negative. God began to break that down in Guatemala and had me rebaptized to lay down the lies I was believing and start believing all the truths and life he was speaking over me. Since it has been a habit for so many years, it has been a hard one to break and a process of months. I got to Romania, and God told me that I would get more confidence while I was here. Coming into Romania, I didn’t have much, so I was excited to get more and have it coming from God. He has continually been speaking life over me through His word, talking to me and through others.

Then the other day God told me to fast from talking and said to me that he was going to break my habit of me speaking death over myself all the time. It was like he was putting me in a perfect time-out. He showed me how much of a bad habit it was and told me that I was speaking those unkind words over his beautiful creation, and that hurts him. He also showed me that I value what others think about what I would say and that I should value only what he thinks of me and work to say things that please him and praise his name. I stopped talking and went for four days without talking because that was the amount of time that God set for me. It was a hard thing to adjust to, but it was cool to see how God moved through me, not speaking. I could still serve and love others even if I couldn’t talk. I was overwhelmed with God’s love and life that was being said over me, and it was just so sweet. I was able to surrender how I talk about myself to God and almost like a switch out for life and truth. He has given me new tactics for seeing when I start talking bad about myself or when the enemy is attacking me with that and how to take it down faster, how to turn to him in it and listen to what he has to say over anyone else because ultimately, his voice is the only one that matters. He wants to build me up and wants me to have confidence in the person he had created me to be. He doesn’t want me to speak badly about myself but to speak life and truth over myself.

He used the four days to help me grow in dependency on him, listen to him more intently, and rely on him alone. Yes, I may occasionally struggle with speaking death over myself, but God is walking me through it, and I’ve come a long way. I’m so grateful for the four days of not speaking and all the ways that God moved and transformed my life 🙂

God has me in a season right now of breaking bad habits, so I can become stronger and grow. It’s a challenging but sweet season. He also has me in a hopeful season for the future because he told me he has a guy for me and that if I remain patient, I will be able to meet him before I know it. He is bringing me into spring, a new life filled with hope.

One thing that I started in Guatemala and moved over to Romania was setting up my tent in the room. It was my introverted space where I could refresh myself when needed. But it quickly moved from being an occasional thing to a common occurrence. Yes, I was still spending a reasonable amount of time with people and building into them, but I found myself almost retreating often. I realized it was becoming a bad habit, and I was abusing the introverted space, and I didn’t want to do that. I was talking to God about fixing it, and he told me to take down the tent. He showed me that I needed to go into being uncomfortable and let people in, in ways I had not previously. I took down my tent, which has been challenging but so good. It’s hard not having a place to introvert and recharge, but it also shows me new ways to recharge. I don’t have to have a place to recharge. I can do it anywhere because I have the Holy Spirit with me, and he can give me the fathers true rest for his children. I can be refreshed just sitting in his presence, even if there’s a bunch of other people in the room. I love to worship so much because I can close my eyes and worship him. It’s just him and me spending intimate time together, and the rest of the world fades away. I feel his presence like no other, and I’m always refreshed coming out of times of worship. It’s a good reminder for me always to worship his name because he is so worthy of praise and should be praised in the highs and the lows.

There is beauty in just sitting in his presence and resting and thanking him for all of the good things and praising him for the bad times. It is such a blessing to sit with him and to be filled up with his peace that surpasses all understanding. As Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” There is so much power in being still in the Lord and knowing He Is God! He’s in control, and he’s our good father! What a blessing we get to be his children, and we get to be filled up with him!!